My birthday is coming up and the only prezzie I want is this Keet Fluffy Deluxe Dog Bed Sofa (Charcoal, Medium) for Charlie, and photographs of my friends and family to decorate my apartment.

One of my former colleagues who’s also a dear friend got me an 8x10 of us framed, and it brings me so much joy. :)

More printed out photos, please.

I haven’t posted in a few days but I have been writing! I’ve also been LIVING!

My goal to write + share 30 posts in 30 days is now under reconsideration. I think I’ll aim for 30 posts done at the speed at which I want to write………..

LA is clearly having an effect on me.

Slow down, grown woman.

Sips tea.

The sunshine is back after a day of rain that gifted me with a rainbow.

I was out with a guy I met on Hinge at Cafe Literati. The date was a snooze, the cafe he recommended was not. I loved it and stayed behind to read and work and gaze out the window at LA in the rain.

So lovely.

I called (requested? ordered?) my Uber and at the exact moment he (it?) arrived, the rain stopped and the colors in the sky appeared in soft focus.

Heyyyyyy.

Once I stepped onto the sidewalk there it was in technicolor. Gorgeous and brief.

I go around back to where my driver is parked and get in the car. By the time we exit the lot, the rainbow is gone.

I was gifted.

I do not suggest turning everything into a sign but I do believe that when you are open, signs make themselves known to you.

The rain clearing a few short days from my birthday. My 42nd birthday. The first birthday I will ever spend not in New York.

I haven’t felt this serene on a birthday in years.

I mean, technically it’s not my birthday yet but I would say in the hours leading up to it, this is the calmest I’ve felt.

Why?

Because I’ve taken the best care of myself in my life over the last 365. I cleaned up more habits that were harming me, I faced ugliness and said that is not mine. I dug deep. I made connections with more people who matter.

There were accomplishments and I am proud.

I got myself here. I got myself into the sunshine.

I was also carried, of course.

I don’t get anywhere by myself these days.

I am not above needing to be reminded that the rain clears, or that things have a way of working out if you let go and have a little faith.

To anyone who is legit terrified of getting older, allow me to say:

I feel you. I spent a good part of my 30s being terrified of entering my 40s. I spent year 40 in shock and only at 41 did I find my way into my own love revolution.

At the root of my fear was that my desirability was going to disappear and with that my power. I was also in deep shame that I had not accomplished more and thought being single and not a more successful actor made me a total failure.

I could not shake that belief.

In my frustration and occasional self pity, the additional fears I suffered had me feeling like Marty McFly in Back to the Future, imagining where I could go back in time to change or fix something and alter my existence.

Berating myself to forget about having a baby while also realizing maybe I am just fine without children. Giving up on falling in love, getting married, because now I’m in my 40s and fuck.

Last year on my birthday, an eclectic mix of friends and acquaintances showed up to my last minute gathering at an east village bar that allows dogs.

Dress: Flirty cobalt blue.

Hair: 90s ‘Express Yourself’ Madonna blonde.

Mood: I would not let fear govern my life.

I would let go.

I would choose another way.

I would count my blessings more consistently, nurture the good more lovingly, and heal whatever was still keeping me stuck.

Something had to change, and it (me) did.

The last year. The BEST year. Because it got me here.